I wrote this article nearly five years ago now, when I was on anti-depressants – a rhetorical rant about serotonin and alpha-male behaviour among apes/gay men. Quite clearly, I was a bit manic, and it was a jokey piece ending in a plea for the men in white coats to take me away. That time was the worst in my life, the only time I suffered from clinical depression, and I hope and trust it to be the last. The piece has sulked on my website ever since without anyone even noticing it, as far as I know. Until yesterday, when I received this email:

“Your article is misleading and reductive.

I’ve known quite a few people who have taken anti-anxiety drugs and ended up feeling listless, with little sex drive and got pretty lumpy. Touting them as some miracle drug is short-sighted and irresponsible.

Also, gay sexuality, from my observation, is far more fluid than you depict. For example, those who might bottom on one occasion enjoy topping another time. In addition, sometimes the best lovers weren’t necessarily the youngest or the most perfect, the most muscled, the most alpha. Good things come in many packages.

And as Bjork said in her song ‘Big Time Sensuality’, ‘it takes kindness to enjoy it’.

Sure, there’s no denying a distinct and perhaps completely out-of-control hierarchy among gay males, but there’s also some very genuine, unique, human, compassionate behavior too. While one cannot ignore the similaraties between our primate relatives and ourselves, to employ it as a ‘one theory fits all’ comes off as overly simplistic and a bit fatalistic. On other words, while one may have a keen awareness of a one’s place in the hierarchy, it by no means should indicate a straight-jacket fit, or that other qualities (friendliness, compassion, having a sense of humor, being sensual or gentle) are useless or inadequate.”

He didn’t sign it. I felt unable to answer it, because although I do welcome feedback, I didn’t feel he got my sense of humour, and, invariably, attempts to explain one’s sense of humour to people who don’t get you the first time are doomed to embarrassing failure. I am surprised that anyone who reads me could possibly think I favour a “one theory fits all” approach. If only!

But I did a dreadful thing, which one should never do: I googled his email address. I wanted to see what this guy was like, where he lived, what his interests were, so I could understand where he was coming from more. And I found pictures of him kneeling on his bed naked with his hairy arse in the air in his profile at www. barebacksex.com. True to the sentiments expressed in his email to me, he is indeed a “versatile bottom”.

I can’t condemn the man – I have had anonymous sex ads on the internet in the past that would make your eyes water. And, recently, a friend of mine had his pervy sex profile gleefully exposed to comment (but not, happily, ridicule) on a gay forum – someone had spotted the similarity between the headless body/cock shots in the profile, and the photos in his ordinary website. Someone even cheerfully volunteered with the helpful information where my friend cruised “all the time”, if people were that keen to see if it was really his cock.

Oh dear. If I’m moving back to Dublin next year, I don’t think I’d be able to have sex at all. I might have to get to know people and make friends instead.